Oh baby!

I woke up this morning and swear to dog that I heard the sound of my eggs drying up. Maybe it was because I woke up thinking "What the fuck was that?!" after having a very strange dream in which I apparentlly delivered a perfect baby boy who had the most amazing pitch black hair, bright blue eyes and little button nose who looked straight at me and smiled the same smiley smirk that I often have myself. According to Dreammoods.com, "To dream that you or someone is having a baby, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents new beginnings or some upcoming event. A more direct interpretation of this dream, may represent your desires/ anxieties of giving birth or the anticipation for such an event to occur." I'm really hoping that this particular dream has something to do with a new experience as opposed to my fears, or eeek!, my desire, to have a child! I mean, yes, I'm nearly 30 and the majority of my friends have already settled down, found their mates and started popping our their respective biological replacements but I should not be anywhere near fearing that my eggs are drying up!

At the same time, my mother's words are ringing in my ears! "If you don't change your ways, you're going to die alone!" Now, she probably doesn't remember ever saying those words to me and if asked would deny them profusely but I can remember the moment as if it just happened yesterday. It was the day I moved home, out of shear necessity, after finishing graduate school. I was broke and homeless thanks to a roommate miscommunication; she rented out my room before even discussing the pending future of our living arrangements. I can't blame her. I had spent months distracted by my graduate project and written document and was so focused on completing the required work with such a high level of excellence that everything else in my life took their respective places on the backburner... including sleep. Truth is, we probably had the conversation and it got compartmentalized to the back of my brain. Regardless, I remember walking into my parents house to find both of my brothers in the kitchen. They stopped, stared, and went back to doing whatever it is that they were doing. I said hello and proceeded to begin unpacking my car. Within an hour I could hear my older brother whining that I hadn't even said hello and the fighting insued. Thus my mother said the words that continue to ring in my ears as one of the cruelest things a parent could say to a child. Now, I wonder if there is any truth in her observation.

It's not like I haven't had anyone special in my life. I mean, I spent two years trying to fix an alcoholic who is now fixing himself! (AND I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!) It wasn't meant to be even though I could always see the potential in him that he is now seeing in himself. I just recently broke off a 6 week relationship with someone whose company I enjoyed immensely but just didn't have that "zing" with. I mean, we were compatible in many, MANY ways (I'll let you use your imagination!) but I just had to draw the line at who he was personally... no job, not trying to find one, kids he never told me about (even though I found out about them 2 weeks in to the "relationship" from a mutual friend, I gave him 4 more weeks to spill the beans and he didn't). I quit answering phone calls/text messages from the guy that was brazen enough to text me a picture of his fully erect penis (yeah, it takes balls to do that... pun intended!) because it became quite apparent that he only wanted our time together to be spent doing one thing. I always joke that "Ya gotta buy a girl dinner first!" but now I'm being damn serious! What has happened to dating?! I mean, is dating as simple as figuring out sexual compatibility and then deciding if you can still look at each other the next morning?! Is it really time that I sign up for internet dating?

The last guy that asked me out was the 40 something dishwasher at the restaurant that currently slave...er...waitress at. Sure he's sweet but I'm not attracted to him at all and actually told him as politely as I could no. He cornered me in the back hallway, among the smell of rotting trash and boxes covered in fish juice, and asked me if I was married. I replied no. He asked me if I was sure! (insert crooked look of confusion here) Yeah, I'm sure buddy! "Really? Because you look married!" What the hell is that supposed to mean?! "Do you have a boyfriend?" No, no boyfriend. "Can I ask you a personal question?" Um, you just did... two of them in fact. But what the hell, fire away. "Would you like to go out for dinner and drinks sometime?" Okay, I think for a moment, slightly confused at his intentions but then remembering personal questions 1, 2 and 2 1/2 (are you sure?)... ugh. My stomach fell. I really wanted to just say no but it's not in me to break someones heart like that! So I replied with "Let me think about it." Fast forward to 3 days later and he asked me AGAIN! I replied this time with "No, I don't think so." This guy is relentless! I look at him, 40+ years old, beer belly big enough to rest thanksgiving dinner on, chubby cheeks that have got to be hiding all of the worlds acorns from the entire squirrel population... nope, not attracted to him at all. Sorry, maybe it's shallow, but it's just not there. So he looks at me and asks me... wait for it... wait for it... "WHY?" OMG... what are you, 3?! I said no! Just take no and run with it! Run far, far away!

I keep thinking of that episode of Scrubs where Carla and Turk were trying to get pregnant and there was a hot new gynocologist in town who gave Jordan 6 pap smears in one week and Carla lied to him and told him that she was 29 after he told her "Well, it's not like your 36 or something and your eggs are drying up." I'm 29... ugh... almost 30 and my desire to procreate is compartmentalized in the back of my mind. I'm focusing on finding a real job... and yeah, it would be nice to have someone buy me dinner before expecting me to, well you know, and it would be nice if there was a mutual attraction with that person.

I guess we can't always get what we want! (Insert pending reference to the Rolling Stones here)