"I don't get it," she said. "Why isn't anybody hitting on you?"
Looking around, I notice group after group of men, sitting together, staring at each other, drinking their beers and not generally saying a word. For a moment, I double checked our location to make sure we weren't in a gay bar... not that there's anything wrong with gay bars but as a 29 year old single woman, spending endless hours in a gay bar will not help my dating life.
"We don't do things that way anymore," he said. "You have to go online now. Nobody goes to a bar to meet people. You go to hang out with the people you already know."
Really? I have to go on the Internet? Is that what we have come to is meeting people through pixels and digital signals? I mean, if I wanted an electronic relationship, I'd stick with Mr. Buzzy. But after weeks of contemplation and yet another endless weekend spent laying on the couch watching bad TV, old movies and an outing at Walmart, I'm beginning to think that something needs to change.
Living in the city is great but can be so incredibly lonely at the same time. I mean, at 29, I feel like I don't really need to make any new friends, as most my close friends have been around for nearly a decade or more. How do you replace that? You can't. But it's even harder in the city. The majority of the people that I speak with daily are my coworkers, or the rude customers on other end of the phone line. Believe it or not, but I will go days without my phone ringing and the truth is, I quit doing all the calling when I realized that I was the one doing all the calling, visiting, driving, etc. It's hard when your friends aren't where you are, and even harder when you start to realize that maybe your friends aren't the only thing geographically displaced, but the relationship itself.
I never thought striking up a relationship, or even getting a dinner date, would be so difficult. There was a nice piece of dark chocolate that kept hanging around my cubicle, talking to my coworkers and giving me the shy eye. He was tall, handsome and at least I know this one has a college education. Then he saw me standing outside smoking a cigarette... hasn't looked at me since. Whatever happened to not judging people? It's not like I was shooting heroin into my eye or anything. Oh well, I don't really like sleeping where I eat if you know what I mean.
The creeper at the gym continues to end up on the treadmill behind me, on the weight machine next to me, and pretty sure if he could follow me into the locker room, he would. He's nice enough but I'm not attracted to him, and I don't think that's judging, I think it's chemistry. But this dry spell is beginning to really bother me. Even the homeless men aren't giving me any attention. I think that may be an all time low.
"I'm not going to lie, you're intimidating," she said.
"Now that I know you, you're awesome, but if I didn't, I'd be scared to death to approach you," he said.
FLASHBACK: 4th grade. New boobs. Catholic school. Nearly shear blouses. Torture.
I was bullied all through grade school, middle school and most of high school. I used to be quiet and shy, overly sympathetic, a premium listener and an all around good person. Somewhere in those years of puberty and emotional distress, I had turned into a pushover, always wanting to be part of the cool crowd. A follower by fault, I often found myself getting into sticky situations, constantly jeopardizing my better judgement for a moment of fitting in. I was a doormat. But somewhere, somewhere I developed a huge fucking pair of steel balls and razor sharp forked tongue. Somewhere I became the people that I hated. Somewhere in learning to stand up for myself, I became, well, cold, callous and unforgiving. In learning to protect myself, I started a war.
I don't think I'm ready for Internet dating. I'm not sure that I would even know how to begin. It all seems so awkward to me. I'm too old fashioned. I want to believe that I will meet "the one" or even "the one for right now" through some serendipitous moment. I want a TV embrace. I want kinetic energy and chemistry. I want a dark room with bright lights in the corner and for that first meeting awkwardness to feel exhilarating.
The truth is, I want the same thing every other girl wants. I've learned to be dominate in every other area of my life out of necessity and survival. So, when it comes to men, I don't want to have to pursue them. I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting to be chased a little. Don't get me wrong, I don't like games, but I don't want to be the only one reaching out. Besides, even my last booty call left with no warning, and without giving me any booty. I mean, I get hit it and quit it, why do you think I called? But it's hit it THEN quit it, not just quit it. I needed a little action and I eventually got some from ol' faithful, Mr. Buzzy, but it's not the same. Off track. Anyway, I want someone to want to spend time with me, to want to take me out to dinner and hold the door open for me like a gentleman, to not get embarrassed when I laugh a little too loudly. At the end of the night, I don't want them to be afraid to pull my hair a little when we're in bed. Like I said, I want the same thing as every other girl.
So faithful readers, how do YOU feel about online dating?
