So, despite the lack of conversation from my faithless readers, I decided to play around with the online dating thing. I am going to be very careful in how I speak of this particular event because I don't have the fucking money to pay for slander charges... although it would be pretty fucking cool.
So, I made a small start, baby steps you might say. I chose a rather reputable dating website and created an online profile. It took me so long to fill in the "about me" section that I had to sign back in to finish it and of course, it got deleted because of the time-out. I read the examples, study the highlighted notes as if I were cramming for finals, and followed the designated tips to creating the perfect profile. I uploaded a recent picture and cropping it so you could only see my face and my neck... no boobs, no shoulders, no arm fat flailing in the wind. After receiving the initial emails from website stating that my photo was deemed appropriate and my profile was approved, I had a bit of a better feeling about this whole thing. I like that they screened me. I mean, dog knows, if they knew me they wouldn't let me within inches of their precious bit of Internet real estate. But they don't and I'm smart enough to navigate around their crazy blocker so I was in.
Now, I wasn't really completely ready to commit to this whole thing, so I didn't pay for it. I wanted to see what would happen first. Within an hour, the emails began rolling in. The first one showed me my first 12 matches. 12?! This was a definitely a step up from the last website that I had played with last summer that resulted with a "There are no matches in the world for you" comment in 24 point bolded font. I double checked to make sure that website wasn't run by my mother and moved on.
As I perused through the matches, I became slightly intrigued by many of the photos... not bad looking. I began matching our attributes and reading through each of their little blurbs of verbal vomit about themselves. There were a few that caught my eye, snagged my interest and then ended with me clicking the not interested button and throwing them back into the virtual dating pond. I'm not going to lie, I'm incredibly intimidated by this whole thing. I look at some of these guys and I think, their too hot for me. I look at them and I've seen their kind before, the kind that wouldn't give me CPR if I dropped dead in front of them. I realize this is me being judgemental, but isn't that what online dating is all about? Genetically engineering a date?
Bachelor #1:
34, never been married, no children but wants them some day, has a bachelors degree, enjoys lifting weights, watching movies and traveling.
Not bad huh? Too bad there were 12 pictures of him in bike shorts and muscle tee's on his profile. Kinda sucked all the mystery out of that one.
Bachelor #2:
30, divorced, Master's degree, enjoys outdoor activities such as canoeing and camping.
Now, I'm not turned off by his divorce. I'm not intimidated by his Master's degree... I gots mine too! (And no, it obviously wasn't in fucking English). I love spending a weekend on the river and waking up in nature. But I'm totally opposed to being the third wheel and since this particular individual mentioned God 17 times in his 2 paragraph profile, I think he'd feel like he was cheating on Him with me. I'm spiritual, not religious, and I don't have anything against those that are but this just isn't for me.
Bachelor #3:
31, job in management making about 120K a year, enjoys wine tastings and traveling, grew up outside my favorite city in the Midwest... Chicago.
Um... did a double check... and yeah, it's my friends boss who also, as far as I knew, was in a relationship. Did a triple check, yep, he had been "active in the last 5 days" and yep, yep, you bet your ass I immediately picked up the phone and ratted his ass out to my friends. One conference call later, my face hurt from laughing and I pressed the "not interested" button. Turns out he's a serial online dater, even when he's in a committed relationship. Ass hat.
Finally, I came upon Bachelor #4:
29, bachelors degree, enjoys alternative music and outdoor activities. Never been married and wants kids some day. Spiritual not religious.
Wowza... sounds good so far. Oh, and did I mention that he doesn't mind a girl with a little extra weight?!
His pic was... interesting... he wasn't wearing a shirt, sitting in front of his web came, tattoo on his upper arm slightly exposed although not recognizable. Slightly square glasses perched upon his nose and he didn't appear to be wearing the man-hair sweater so that's good. I don't want a man I have to groom.
I remained a little intrigued and began reading his profile... a very telling little paragraph about how he's a stubborn man and enjoys playing in the woods. Then there were the words, in tiny 10 point print, that made my heart race, my palms sweat and my asshole tighten. He wanted to tie me up in the woods and tease me for hours... and that's a direct quote. It reminded me of the wedding scene from the movie Secretary where Maggie Gyllenhall was tied up against a tree getting fucked like pedophile in prison. Only, in the movie it was kinda hot. On this dating website, it was kind reminiscent of a mediocre midweek crime drama on network programming. All of a sudden I saw myself becoming the victim of a serial killer and ending up on some 20/20 special on Internet dating and fetish killers. (Oh and had I checked his screen name a little closer, I would have seen this coming... rope fiend.)
I clicked "not interested" and slid my debit card back into my wallet without subscribing to the website. Then I took a shower and scrubbed all the dirty sex-voodoo off me. Between rinse, wash and repeat, I prayed to the gods for protection against creepers and woodsmen.
I can't decide... is it worth the $35 a month for entertainment purposes only?! I have always wanted to be on the side of a milk carton... or a billboard... hmmmm. Eh, fuck it. Why not, right?!
