Big Spoon is about to get Knifed by Little Spoon OR Why you shouldn't make an ass out of yourself by assuming

I'm not gonna lie.  Right now, That Girl is pissed the fuck off.  And I'm going to apologize for the my language ahead of time but I just can't it anymore. 

This past weekend was absolutely amazing.  Friday night was spent with a couple of friends, getting skunk faced drunk, dancing my ass off and forgetting all of the stress of my life lately.  It was carefree and that's the way I like it.  I like throwing caution to the wind, saying FUCK IT ALL, and just letting go of life for a few hours!  I had more fun than I had had in a long time and I feel like I really deserved it.  I mean, for dog's sake, I ate a gas station hot dog at 3:30am, made a few jokes with the cops sitting in the gas station as they watched me blister my hand with scalding hot nacho cheese (gastro-intestinal karma) and stayed up until 6:30 a.m. having a really nice conversation.  It was one of those unforgettable nights that you wish could happen every Friday and Saturday night.  I fell asleep face to face with someone who I never expected to be my Big Spoon.  In fact, I extended an open invitation for him to be the Big Spoon in my utinsel drawer any day.  So innocent; so warm. 

Saturday I was awoken from a nap by a text message from Guitar Hero.  He asked what I was doing.  I responded that I was preparing to take a shower.  He responded with "Want some company?"  I laughed to myself and politely told him no.  We chatted some more.  He was flirty.  It was fun and refreshing.  We had plans that night.  Dinner, go watch his set (his band was playing a local show) and see where the night takes us.  He invited me back to hang out and get drunk with him and his friends.  I was still pretty wiped out from the night before but was enjoying myself so much that I decided that I might want to do that.  I ended up making the right decision and staying home after the show.  Sunday morning I awoke to a couple of missed texts from Guitar Hero.

Text 1: "I should have stayed with you but I'm scared to."

Text 2: "Wait... did you just make me go on a date?  I don't do those."

I was confused and yet I found myself smiling.  I thought it was cute that he admitted to being scared but I didn't know what he was scared of; I suppose I was a little scared of what his response would be.  So I did what anybody without a filter between their brain and their mouth would do.  I asked him.

His response was not surprising but frustrating.  He was scared that I wanted more than he was wanting to give me.  He was afraid that he was going to lead me on because he just wanted to be friends.  Apparently, when I do something nice like buy a pizza to split with a friend, enjoy some good conversation and witty banter and buy the first round of drinks... it means I want to date you and sleep with you.  

I was and am offended and appalled.  This is not the first time that this has happened.  In fact, it happened again today with someone that I would have never expected it from.  All I did was make a little innuendo and apparently that means that I am wanting love, marriage, baby carriage and a partridge in a fucking pear tree. 

Let me just explain something to all the men of the world.  There is nothing that you all do better than assume.  And you continue to do it wrong over and over again.  Now is the time for you to stop what you are doing and pay more attention with your eyes, your ears and you hearts.  Quit listening with your dicks because you are really fucking things up for yourself.  You see sometimes being That Girl can get really lonely.  Sometimes That Girl just needs to feel like there's the possibility of something more out there.  She doesn't want it.  She doesn't want more, but she needs to know that it is possible. 

Virginia Satir, a family therapist, developed the idea of 4 hugs a day.  "We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  At this point, That Girl would settle for a hug a month.  I got to be the Little Spoon to two different Big Spoons in the last week and let me just tell you how different my disposition was.  A little touch can make us feel complete and there's nothing wrong with that. 

But there is something wrong with people constantly assuming that they know what I need and what I want without even asking me.  Quit flattering yourselves boys.  Most of you are not worthy of That Girl and all she has to offer.  None of you have ever taken the time to stop and notice what That Girl has to offer.  You've all just looked at her and made up your mind without asking what's on hers.  But it's time that stops.  Maybe it's time that That Girl just quits trying to be a good person, a nice person, a friend to anybody with a penis. 

Just remember:  That Girl doesn't have a filter between her brain and her mouth.  If she wants something, she's going to tell you.