Recently, it came to my awareness that some readers may not understand exactly what this blog is. I feel it almost necessary to write a re-introduction. I had no idea how many people really read this blog because you aren’t all listed as a follower nor do too many of you interact with the Facebook fan page. So, let me begin by explaining who I am.
Who I am...
I have no idea. I am still trying to figure that out and every time I try to label myself or define myself, I find that I simply just can't. I am like a page ripped from a child's coloring book: lots of colors all over the place, carefree yet cautiously designed and always hanging just a little bit outside the lines. I would not compare myself to a chameleon, as they change their shades to remain hidden and unnoticed. My colors tend to change to redesign myself and with much purposeful thought. I have held many jobs, enjoyed many different groups of people, entertained various theories, philosophies and life practices. I've tried drugs, both illegal and legal and tend to drink in excess on occasion. I enjoy cooking and using my skillet as a science project. I love taking care of people and give more chances in life than most people should which has led me to get burned more times than I can count and yet I am incapable of forgiveness.
I can't nail down who I am more than anybody else in the world. People who claim to know exactly who they are tend to live life on a very surface level. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat anything because from what I'm told, life is too short. There is definitely one thing that I know to be true about myself more than anything else: I am eternally dissatisfied. And that is why I continue to work to change my body, my soul and my mind. I have to... because I don't know any other way.
With that being said...
this blog is my creative outlet. Well, let me be a bit more specific. This blog is THAT GIRL’s outlet. That Girl is an alter ego if you will. That Girl gets to say and do all of the things that I am too fucking scared to. On occasion, I, the real life girl behind the typed print, has gotten to be THAT GIRL… the bold, brazen, sassy and incredibly fucking fearless woman who throws caution to the wind and takes every chance that is presented to her. That Girl is incredible which is why I created her. Call me Dr. Frankenstein, I created a persona that is a product of myself and yet apparently, I also created a bit of a monster.
That Girl is the one that has the freedom and the lack of conscience to do and say the things that she does. Those of you who know the real voice behind the bitch know that I am loud and brazen and bold and a fighter… and scared and self-deprecating and that I am harder on myself than anybody ever could be. You know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that it’s huge. You know that if there is one thing that I can’t stand, it’s the thought that I have hurt somebody unintentionally. You see, I take things very personally. That Girl doesn’t take anything. Ever.
There is an honesty…
within the words of this blog. There is truth to many of the stories. There are parts of each, however, that are embellished. That Girl uses the experiences that I, the real life girl, have had and the people that I have met and creates these characters and emboss them with something that helps me process the encounter so that I, the real life girl, can understand exactly why and how each of these encounters has affected her.
Life hasn’t been that easy for the real life girl in the last few years. I’ve had more changes in the last two years than most people have in a decade. Not all of them… actually, none of them, have been easy or warmly welcomed. I have made choices that I am not proud of. I have made mistakes that I can’t take back. I’ve made life altering actions that only few know about and that most never will. But honestly, I can’t change it. I can’t change who I am or what I’ve done anymore than the rest of you. The girl behind the bitch is human and I need more than anything for all of you loyal readers out there to remember that.
Sticks and Stones…
and words and actions and lots of other things hurt. The real life girl knows this. That Girl doesn’t feel hurt… she just gets angry. The real life girl grew up in a house that didn’t talk about anything and I mean NOTHING! If there was a problem, a curiosity or a misunderstanding there was only one thing to do: Grab a broom and sweep it under the rug. Keep sweeping until there is a mountain of built up shit under the rug so high that you can’t help but trip over it. And then when you do finally trip over it, peel back the rug and reveal more than you can ever deal with and try to get it sorted out all at once. Because that works, right?
No, it doesn’t. That Girl doesn’t see the point in beating around the bush. The real life girl doesn’t either but honestly, I spend my days trying to figure out exactly what it is that people want from me. That Girl doesn’t care what others want from her… she’s who I want to be. All I, the real life girl, has every really wanted is for people to be direct with me. Maybe if people were direct, the after burn wouldn’t hurt so badly. I have spent years trying to figure out why I, the real life girl, am so misunderstood. I have spent even more time trying to figure out why I’m an emotional masochist. But I can’t… nobody can. We just are who we are and we can change ourselves physically. We can open our eyes and broaden our minds. But we can’t change our hearts. The heart wants what the heart wants. Our hearts make us who we are.
And for that…
I won’t apologize. I am who I am. I write this blog under this persona because I have to. And yes, I am an emotional person and for the first time in my life, I’m not going to apologize for being who I am or anything that I have written here because I shouldn’t have to. I mean no harm by creating the characters the way I do. If you happen to recognize yourself in any of these characters, I hope you see the same person that I do because the people I encounter in my life are bad ass… with the exception of Big Mac. He’s just an ass but I think we’ve all agreed on that! We all make our mistakes and it is only through self-evaluation that we are finally able to see ourselves for who we really are: fallible. And that is living…
I don’t write to hurt or to pick on people or to paint some image of people that they find fucked up or unappealing. People paint the pictures of themselves and right now, you probably think I’m painting myself as a bitch but I’m just trying to be real. Because That Girl isn’t. We see in ourselves a darker person that we hope that the rest of the world sees in us. That’s human nature. And while I’ve said that I tend to be incapable of forgiveness, there is someone that I am trying to learn to forgive: myself.
So please…
take this blog with a grain of salt! If you happen to be mentioned under a pseudonym, be flattered that you have affected the real life girl enough for That Girl, her kick ass alter ego, to care about you enough to write about you… even if it is because you said something that pissed her off.
These are the MOSTLY TRUE TALES of a girl who shouldn’t have, and probably didn’t, but is going to tell you she did anyway. Why? Because it’s more fun that way.
2 comments:
I just felt compelled to tell you that I think you are f n awesome!
I am glad to hear your stories and continue to do your thing. a woman not afraid of themselves or others is the sexiest thing.... (did I just make this awkward??) well I am sure it is not for you.
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