Want some fries with that shake?

That Girl had an incredibly surreal experience this past week as she went on her first blind date with someone that she met from the internet. Yes, apparently, wish and you shall receive. As I stated in my last blog posting, I was going to give myself 83 more days to go on a date. Well, only a few days later, I found myself having a drink with the Big Mac. You'll find out why I call him that momentarily.


First, allow me to regress and tell you what had been going on prior to this encounter. See, in the month that I've been on this dating site, I spent a few nights on the phone with W. telling her "bedtime stories" which consisted of me describing the photos of the creepers and crazies and then deciding that a few were cute enough to send a virtual wink to. Okay, I'm not gonna lie... I winked the shit out of the internet that night just to see the responses that I would get. I didn't get much but I did get one... Big Mac.

Big Mac sent me an email that was incredibly well written, formatted properly, and was quite interesting! I might add that this email arrived around the same time that I encountered "Rope Fiend" (see previous posts) so receiving this email left me both skeptical and a little anxious. I responded to his email by answering all of his questions about me and inquiring about the attributes and interests that he had shared with me. After a few emails back and forth, Big Mac asked for my phone number and since technology allows me to block creepers... I said, what the hell and emailed him back with my number.  After all, you only live once and lately, I haven't been really living life as much as I've been watching it happen around me.

The night that he called me, I let it go to voice mail.  I wanted to see if his voice sounded like Mike Tyson on helium before being caught off guard.  His voice was deep, not quite like Marvin Gaye's but soothing.  His words were well enunciated, crisp and relaxed all at the same time.  I called him back a little while later and we talked for over an hour.  We talked about our jobs, touched lightly on past relationships as he openly divulged that he is divorced (married his high school sweetheart and best friend of 20 years... decided they were better friends than lovers... it was really quite a touching story), and joked about politics and current events.

"So what it is that you do?" I asked.

"I'll give you a hint, I work for the world's largest corporation and you drove by 5 of them on the way to work today."

"Walmart?"  I asked... slightly hesitant.

"No.  You stink at the guessing game."

"I'm brain dead... it's 9:30pm and I've been at work on the phone all day."

"I work for McDonald's."

cricket.  cricket.  cricket.

"Oh, what do you do there?" I asked forcing a bit of intrigue into my words.

"Drive-thru in the morning and fries in the afternoon." 

cricket. cricket. fuck me. cricket.
 
"I'm kidding!" he said.  "I'm in charge of blah blah blah.  I have a very important blah blah blah."  You can fill in the rest. 
 
I sighed with relief as he spoke about budget projections and all of this other uninteresting business bullshit.  But I was still interested... he was interesting.
 
He asked about my plans for the weekend.  I actually had some and they were family obligations so I would feel bad standing them up for a blind date.  I was leaving on vacation for a week and he said he'd call when I got back.  Oh, and if you didn't figure it out by now asshats, I call him Big Mac because he works at McDonald's. 
 
On countdown day 81, I had a date to meet for drinks at a bar within walking distance to my apartment.  I got up early, made sure I looked super cute but not like I was trying.  I wore an outfit I've worn before, did my hair the same way I do it all the time and made sure to roll on a little extra deodorant.  I made sure I had some cash in my wallet (just in case I needed to take a cab... those heels weren't meant for walking) and headed out to my day.  I was running late to the date and texted him as I was leaving work.  He said he would get a table. 
 
I'm not going to lie... I was nervous.  I haven't had a date like this, with someone I didn't really know, where I hadn't initiated any part of it, since 2001.  Seriously. 
 
As I approached the table, I could see he was on his blackberry.  He greeted me with... a total stink eye. 
 
"I'll be right with you," he said as he gazed his eyes slowly up and down over me... eyebrows raised, mouth slightly dropped open... as if I had the plague on my face or something. 
 
"It's nice to meet you." I said.  He didn't reply. 
 
The next 10 minutes were filled with awkward and mundane conversation regarding my day at work, his day at work.  He told me about a project that he had due the next day.  I could see through his excuse like Paris Hilton's panties.  We had already discussed everything we were talking about... his love of golf, his job, his birthday being right around the corner, his job, his job, oh did I mention we talked about his job?!  This was getting painful.  The waitress came by to ask about appetizers, he told her we weren't eating.  Bitch wanted some bruschetta but apparently, I wasn't hungry. 
 
"So you were at the gym for 2 hours last night?" he asked in utter disbelief. 
"Yes, I'm usually at the gym for about an hour and a half 4 days a week," I said. 
 
He looked me up and down, shrugged, huffed and said, "Really." again.  Okay, about this time, I wanted to rip the earrings, all 4 of them, out of his ears, but I was really trying to just see what happened.  I wasn't going to be rude, it's not fucking classy.
 
"So you don't eat McDonald's?!"  he asked in disbelief again... we've already talked about this.  I explained that I try to eat pretty clean, I already have a potty mouth, no need to put a bunch of shit in it.  For the next 30 minutes I sat through a sales pitch.  101 reasons why I should eat McDonald's including receiving the profit margins and calorie count of their most popular items. 
 
"Oh, I brought you something," he said as he dug in his pocket.  He pulled out 2 cards and handed them to me.  I looked at his hands.  I always find men's hands to be interesting.  You can tell if they are a worker and somehow I think you can see comfort in them.  You can see strength.  His fingers were short and stubby, his palms ridiculously small.  All I could think of was that Burger King commercial and "MY TINY HANDS!"  I made sure my mouth was closed and looked up to make sure he hadn't seen my reaction as he handed me what he had pulled from his pocket.  I stared in shock at the items in my hands: free coupons for a smoothie and a frappe from none other than McDonald's. fuck me. fuck me. you've got to be fucking kidding me.  fuck me.
 
The waitress came and asked if we would like another round.  As much as I was in desperate need of another glass of wine, he again answered for both of us, replying that we are fine and he's going to need to go soon to finish that presentation he has in the morning.  Thank dog!  I can see the finish line!   
 
The waitress inquired about the check and whether it was together or separate.  I can still hear the utterance ringing in my ears like church bell's on a Sunday morning...
 
"Ummmmm...." he said.
 
I looked at the waitress who appeared to be in shock and casually replied, "Whatever is easiest for you."  She returned with split checks at which I left mine sitting on the table long enough to realize that this asshole was not going to pay for my wine.  Just to reiterate... he asked me out and I ended up paying for my own drink.  Big Mac is a big douche.
 
The date began at 6pm and I was home by 7:05pm.  I immediately walked to my fridge, pulled out a bottle of wine, popped the cork and opened the cabinet to get a glass.  As I was staring at the glass, I realized that I had already pressed the top of the bottle to my lips and proceeded to tip it!  That night, I finished the whole bottle, with each sip becoming more appalled at Big Macs behavior.  As I slurred myself to sleep that night, I had visions of McChicken's squawking after me. 
 
I woke up in the morning with my eyes nearly swollen shut (it happens with too much wine).  Looking at the hot mess of a reflection in the mirror, I told myself that Big Mac could take his free smoothie coupons and suck it.