83 days.

83 day. 2014 hours. 120,841 minutes.  The amount of time until I turn 30.  My life will be at least 1/3 of the way over. 

I can't even begin to reflect on the last 29 years of my life as it seems as if only the last 5 have meant anything.  I've grown so much as a person, changed so much physically, mentally, emotionally... sexually.  I keep hearing that 30 is the new 20 and that scares the hell out of me.  Pretty sure I should have died during my 20's a few times.  And lord knows, I can't party like I used to.  I now have to plan two days of recovery for every 1 night of party.  My days begin by popping vitamins and mixing protein shakes.  My evenings end by applying moisturizer and wrinkle cream.  I spent 2 days on the beach... and 2 weeks checking for moles that looked kinda funny.  

In the last year, I have had 1 date.  Yep, one. And it wasn't even that great of a date.  Still trying to shake that bucket of crazy out of my past but he keeps popping up.  You may remember A.  I'm not even sure that I know how to do this whole "dating" thing.  I remember my 8th grade homecoming dance.  It was the first time I was going out with a boy but I didn't really think of him as a boy.  I had known him since I was 6 years old.  We'd been classmates for years.  I bought this red glitter shift dress with matching red lipstick.  My mom let me wear her gold stud earrings and bought me some pretty black shoes and shiny pantyhose (to suck in all my kid fat and so that I could sound like I was a walking zipper as my pubescent thighs rubbed together with every step that I took).  As we were leaving my house that night, I remember my mom looking at me and saying, "Let him hold the door for you."  I didn't get it at the time.  I didn't get it later than night when he continuously tried to open every door for me but I just kept barging through them like I did every day.

"Let him hold the door for you." 

It still didn't really make sense until this year when I realized that I've spent the last 12 years of my life working so hard to do things on my own and my way that I've never let anybody hold the door for me.  My mentality has always been that at the end of the day, nobody is looking out for me but me. 

83 days. 

I'm giving myself 83 days to lose 25 more pounds and to have at least one more date where I let someone hold the door for me.  I've been doing this online dating thing for nearly a month now and it's just getting depressing at this point.  I've had one nice conversation with one nice guy who asked me to have drinks but hasn't contacted me since.  My inbox is filling up with creepers and crazies and nothing promising.

83 days and then what?  Just another day I suppose.  Or maybe the start of a whole new life.   I suppose I'll let the stars decide.