My.tacky.space

Recently, as I was perusing social networking sites, something that I spend far too much time doing, I began noticing a trend. Apparently, belonging to a social networking site gives you super powers, makes your life look far more interesting than it is and gives you the creative license to becoming anybody that you freakin' want! I love it!

What is not to love? Crop your profile picture to make you look way better than you do in real life... photoshop it first, please. Oh what the hell, find an unfocused picture of a celebrity and pass it off as yourself. In fact, if you want to make it a trend, update it as your current status and see how many other people will do it! (This is how I found out that I have a frightening resemblence to Molly Ringwald!)

Okay, okay, those little games are goofy and fun and while they are somewhat annoying, fighting the urge to keep from participating is like peeing with a UTI... you know it's gonna burn but you gotta do it anyway! (eww... I know.)

I denied my mother's facebook friend request. Why? Because I could. I don't think that my parents have any business knowing that my weekends are often filled with massive amounts of debauchery and very little shame. My mother does not need to know that I "went for a run, ate a sandwich, made a happy plate, took a poop and headed to work". Not that the rest of facebook needs to know either but for some reason, people just can't get enough of it. My mother even asked me in person why I didn't "friend" her. I explained that we weren't friends. She's my mom. We don't have THAT relationship. So, I pressed IGNORE with a great sense of satisfaction.

"I can't believe that he de-friended me and then tried to re-friend me!" This overheard at work. First of all, I don't believe that the words "defriended" and "refriended", hyphens or not, are an actual part of the English language. Secondly, why are people trying to work out their personal problems on a social networking site? Confrontation is not something that you do on a facebook page! I find it incredibly immature that people will scream at eachother through instant messages by using all capital letters. AM I GETTING MY POINT ACROSS? No, just making it easier to read. That's all. My life is not going to change if you do not chat with me, write on my wall or if you "defriend" me. Oh no she di'n't. (insert ghetto head bob here)

I suppose if facebook relationships are now defining friendships, that's up to those parties involved and it doesn't affect me. However, things that people post publicly do affect me. In fact, there are things that I have seen posted on peoples social networking profiles that just seem, oh, I don't know... TACKY!

Example: (oh and these are all real)

1. pictures of your breasts, ass or any other body part that you wouldn't show your mother... seriously. If you've never changed clothes in front of me, lived in the same home as me or had sex with me, I obviously didn't want to see it then and don't want to see it now! If I wanted to see porn, I have network TV and the internet. Nasty put some clothes on.

2. intestinal updates: "can't quit vomiting", "gotta drop a duece before dinner" or any other reference to problems regarding your bowels. Eat a piece of fruit, take a laxative, open a window, but please keep your ass issues to yourself.

Dude, your dookie is your business, not mine! (Notice that this is example number two... pun intended!)

3. Putting up a status update that causes people to wonder if you are in dire straights is like wearing a giant sign that says "I'm a douche"... and no, it doens't matter if you are male or female. This phenomenon actually has a slang name: vaguebooking. It is defined by Urban Dictionary as: An intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what's going on, or is possibly a cry for help.

If you need attention, please, come see me. I will be happy to bereate, belittle, or mock you to your hearts content. It will be my pleasure. Really.

4. In reference to childbirth... I do not need to know that your child was delivered vaginally. In fact I don't think that the word vagina in any form of conjugation should be used on a social networking site. Please use the word "naturally" as it is not nearly as disgustingly visual as the word vagina or vaginal. Last I checked, babies naturally came out of vaginas so unless you specify "c-section" which sounds more like the area on a standardized test, we already knew that your pregnancy would put your baby-chute to good use! Thanks.

Okay, so this is more of a rant on my observations but I urge each of you to look closely at your social networking profile. 1. remove the word "vagina" in any and all forms, 2. paste some clothes on those titties, and 3. just tell people what the hell is going on already.